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PoizonAZN
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Name: Dez
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 7/28/1981
Gender: Male
Interests: Drawing, writing, Designing, Shooting pool, shooting in general, Soubenjutsu, eating (yeah believe it or not), sitting, sleeping, walking, hiking, burning, smokin, being mad, talking, eating, eating , eating.
Expertise: Loosing weight while eating, drawing squares, getting angry, throwin rocks at people, spitting blood, intellectually use the word "fuck" in conversations, , walking long distances WHILE smoking AND talking on the phone AND power walking.
Occupation: Customer service/support
Industry: Retail
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
4/30/2003
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| well... here we go.
Suffice it to say, i've been MIA for a few months now. All for good reasons. As i let my fingers glide across the keyboard i'm not exactly sure where to start since so much has happened since June. But in a nutshell... life has been extremely rough on my end.
A few of my close friends know bits and pieces here and there, a few of my coworkers have seen the bits and pieces either way theres been alot of "Oh my God!!" "are you ok?" "thats really messed up" "did things get any better?" i guess first off: i have some of the most greatest friends a person could ask for. Through this time line a majority of them have given me the time and given me their patience with what i've been dealing with and above all... they've respected me and trusted me with whatever time i needed. As much as i would love to spill all the details all the time to people who care about me... when you get a load of crap dumped in front of you, you still need time to sift through it before you really open to someone. not just close friends but even general friends who i rarely talk to... new friends who've i just met.... old friends though not up to date with your shenanigans still do not judge you.
I've always been the type of person who would go after my problems on my own, but finally i came to realize... there was no way in hell i was gonna be able to deal with all this by myself. I sought it out from every direction and what i got in return wasn't just all directions, or advice, but strength to make my own choices and to stick by them. For some reason i find that very rare with friends and advice. either or... it happened.
Along that, i've also come to really admire and look up to a few people for strength. They may not know why, but i've chosen them based off what i've seen over the years. It is their strength that gave me examples and an idea of what to aim for. Thank You Sion, Tai, Victor T, Husband,
time was all i asked from people. thank you.
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August 21st. Just a week before i woke up in the morning panicing about nothing in particular. My sleep schedule was all messed up. My body would sleep fine, but never let me sleep past 9:45am... no matter if i slept at 2-3-4-5-530 am. Hence i sought therapy. I walked into the bathroom with my laptop and still strung out on a hyper anxious feeling told myself "Fuckit... i NEED to get out of here." thus i booked my plane ticket to LA. August 21 - August 31. that should give me plenty of time to relax.
I was driven down there on the 21st, stayed at an old friends place in Santa Monica in what i would consider a awesome residential area: Right on Ocean Ave. one block from the pier, two blocks from 3rd st. Promenade, and just across the street from the beach. The view on the first day took my mind away.
following that, it turned out that another close friend of mines would also be down in the SoCal area with almost the exact same dates as me. Knowing that, i was elated to know that i would have someone to hang out with and explore Santa Monica with all the while keeping my sanity in check. Not to mention one of the first things that came to my attention when i arrived was that one of my exs had passed away tragically and i was invited to the funeral.... i REALLY needed someone to anchor down my stress levels.
As the days went by and i had no responsibilites to fulfill, i spent some time dropping down my Diamond-like guards and really sort out everything in my mind. I guess you can say it was soul searching. Amongst all the time i got to spend with my own mind i've come to realize just how much negative energy i had soaked up while in NorCal from people, coworkers, friends. It was all their complaints, all their problems, all their issues with whoever and whatever. As someone who has taken on the "trauma center" role to my friends, i had eaten WAY too much of that type of energy. Stack that on top of the crazy Jerry Springer-like stuff going on in my life... and no wonder i was stressing out. I mean before i left... i really felt like i was going delusional: my speech was going out, my decision making wasn't as sharp, i was tired, run down, and all i had around me was a whole lot of negative, bitter, cold, scheming, vengeful, angry energy.
i'm NOT blaming my friends or people for this, it's just that this summer was really rough on people and to seek comfort or to retaliate, they came to me because they know i always take care of things. There was A LOT of crap going on in the summer.
When i looked around, hung out and just spent time with my friends in SoCal i noticed they all didn't have that kind of signature energy and within a few days... i wasn't tired anymore, my mind started to ease down, i felt mentally better and physically better. With some good times and great company i had begun to really recover and felt i was strong enough after my vacation to head home and deal with everything head one.
All it took was Disneyland, random food ventures, PinkBerry yogurt almost everyday, the beach, muscle beach, random night walks, A visit to the Getty center, a night at Gameboi, dinners at some really nice places, Naruto on the PS3, working out, food food food... with really great company.
The trip was a success. Whether it was walking away from a crowd of Disney-goers to find John somewhere and sitting and talking at the "hub", or walking around late at night with Victor by the Pier and watching people play carni-games knowing there was no way they could win, or walking along the Beach with Paul and talking about where we were from, Getting my ass PWNd by Phil in a shooting game, sketching pictures at the Getty with Dennis, having late night chats and awesome dinners with Daniel... not to mention that after Disneyland Smoke ahhhhhhh, Seeing DARK family members and my Husband, scheming to be "evil" with Victor at David's workplace, Having a burger with Krix at a whole in the wall but awesome place, spending time with Jonathan and his friend Ming, bumping into Howard and taking him to Pink Berry for the first time, getting a massage from Hubert and eating at that touch screen place, having a drink with Princess and Kaiser... this trip did what it needed to do.
When i walked down the airport terminal towards my flight, i wanted to stay longer... i was scared to come home to whatever may be left of my "home" but i had no choice. I am the caretaker after all and i've rested enough to go back and deal with everything.
it's a pretty scary foreshadowing when you return somewhere and alot of your friends tell you:
".... i really didn't want you to come back yet... because things got worse"
..............
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| Yesterday i decided and had planned to get away from the city. Timed it quite well actually, because a nasty fog bank rolled into SF and sat over the city like a lingering fart that wouldn't go away all day. San Jose, only 45 mins drive away, was quite the opposite: It was in the 80s, warm with a light breeze, and the skies were clear all the way into the valley.
Spent the day horking food, by the pool, in the jaccuzi, meeting up with friends i haven't seen in a while, and new friends, Wandering around in a park, it was a day of rest and relaxation. To me, it was like a day at the spa. No worries, no random calls of "OMg so and so this and that" just the peace that i needed away from the city.
I've spent some time prior with a few friends whom i rarely go to for advice because i know they can lay things out for me and give me a better view of a path to take. The reason why i rarely go to them is because i'm usually stubborn with my problems and almost obsessively try to deal with it on my own. Given the circumstances as of lately and how deep a hidden scar i've stumbled upon... i really needed their help.
So even though i spent a relaxing day away from the city, i kept their words in close proximity of my mind. Tai gave me something to consider, Sion gave me a a direction, and Erik gave me a numerology reading thing that made alot of sense.
Alot of last year was in fact dealing with cutting out the fat in my life... getting rid of what i would consider "Toxic People" and this year has been infact all about good investments and strenghtening the bonds i carry with the people around me. As exciting as this year is supposed to be for me, i know i have alot of heavy planning and big changes to be ready for. Kharma plays a role in my life as do cause and affect, struggling to get the things i want has been the story of my life, being consistent in an inconsistent world has been my fight, and as the days grow shorter towards the end of this year i can only hope i can make it.
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| These diamond walls have been going up and down as of lately... and i feel as time slowly creeps by... someone out there has found the focal point and is taking aim at it. Ready to send a bullet flying in that direction and to shatter me. I heed the words Tai that told gave me and as much sense as it does make, i'm a little unsure as to what my next step will be and where it will place me.
I've worked this far for so many things and as many know, it hasn't been an easy road... i keep getting up, stagger for a bit, and then resume walking forward... it's just... i look around myself to those who've had it easy and a sense of envy dawns my heart. I'm not talking about the ones who've lied to themselves and even denied the acknowledgement of their own issues... i'm talking about the genuine people out there. Still, faltered for a moment, i continue to walk on... with these diamond walls up around myself i for once, can't find the answers as fast as i can. If i don't soon, then that bullet is sure to come at me without notice.
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| - i keep running the images in my head. Pictures and memories that existed of me that seem so foreign now. The joy that slid across my face, the bliss that was around my air, they are moments of a person who i feel like i've never met before.... but those pictures are of myself. I envy that person that i stare at, as he doesn't look at me.
As of late, my sleep schedule has been completely thrown off. I sleep early, i sleep late... either way i wake up early and can't go back to sleep. I mean... i'm waking up anytime between 6:45 am - 8:45 am. Keep in mind, when i sleep it's usually 2am - 5 am. Suffice it to say, i know something is bothering me. The easiest route is to blame it on stress, but what core of that stress is kicking my ass while i'm not looking?
A friend of mines is willing to help me out... sort through the mess in my head. It's a little scary because i don't know what to expect to find either. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that whatever happens and whatever comes out... can be handled properly.
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| taken from written work on 11-08-07
... so i've got 9 minutes before class starts. Considering class starts at 9:10am and this trip alone is 15 mins, that means i'll go over at least by 6 minutes. I could've sworn i work and got ready with the usual time, i guess it flew by without me knowing. I'm not sure exactly how i feel about that because i hate time, so it speeding without notice is a good thing, but on the other hand... i'm late, and thats bad because i hate to be late to things unless it's intentional. So maybe it's more of a bad thing because the physical seems to matter a tad more then the metaphorical. "Actions speak louder then words"... oh how i've come to develop a love/ hate relationship with that idea. It's a cliche thats all too well over used in some of the most improper contexts.
To me it sounds like the testament of physical strength vs. mental strength and where i stand is more on the mental strength side.Takeinto consideration that proper physical strength must have thoughts and plansto them. Without it, it's just raw power that can falter and miss what it's trying to achieve. Mental strength controls physical strength, it may not be out in the open as often, but take emotions into consideration.
Emotions can stop physical strength in its place if the mental strength is weak. Without physical strength on the other hand, emotions are less affective. To me, thats just one of the strongest forms of strength altogether. People may argue that great thoughts are useless if they are not shared or reacted out which is somewhat true. How can all thoughts be reacted upon though if they are so strong? If uncontrolled, mental strength becomes chaotic and eventually leads the individual to react chaotically and almost destroy everything around them. They don't nesscacirly need physical strength to do that, just enough chaos to over throw everything around them. To me... thats a form of strength that's been underrated.
When you weight the two against one another, the majority chooces actions because to them, thoughts lead only to be nice, while actual execution is "Nicer". Whats a bundle of thoughts without action? who's to say that bundle of thoughts isn't good enough to become actions? Thats where the paralel presents it's self.
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